reflections

Life sure does throw you for a spin. Some days, I wonder how I am going to make it through. between two young children and daily chores(that seem never ending..ok are never ending), I loose myself sometimes. I look at pictures from before I had kids, before I was married and it is amazing how I went from there to here. I wonder what would have happened if I had chosen differently, or if I would still be where I am now, just later down the road. Don't get me wrong, I thank God every day for my wonderful husband and my two children. Maybe it isn't that I have lost myself as much as my being..my "Me" has morphed. perhaps I didn't loose myself by having children, but that when I loose myself in them, I loose myself in myself as they have become an extension of my being(for the time being while they are young).
  It's also funny how dreams that I had of as a child, or imaginings of other lifestyles have come nearly true. I use to wonder what it would be like to live as a nomad(they still interest me fully), but now my family, in their own way, is nomadic. I figure one day we will fully settle down, but for now my little family of four has a reputation for moving often. It isn't really any one reason that we move..usually just to get to a better place, or for a life advancement...like school, or work. I do feel that our nomadic ways are coming close to an end..but for now, as much as I say I hate moving...I am living a dream. In a modern, wow God, I didn't think I would really be nomadic, but thank you for the experience.
  I knew I would be a mother, in a way I was probably destined to have children. I have always loved them. I try to do my best...but some days I pray more than usual, and usually for patience(or nap time).My children are more physically and mentally demanding than college was. I relish it.
   My MedicMan, who works so hard so I can stay home. Our love is one of those "high school" sweet hearts together for life type loves...even though we WEREN'T in high school together. We are sooooo opposite, and yet have a few common interests. our children have no choice but to be well rounded. my sports, hunting, wrestling, mans man, and my arty,earthy, bohemian ways. its amazing how we have co-existed. yeah, like all couples we have had disagreements, but our love is deep enough to pull through anything.We changed from teens to adults together. I don't know what our future has in store..but I know we will face it together.
  God likes to do funny things, He teaches us each the best way He knows. We go through trials and tests, hardships and sorrows, but He is there with us the whole way. I know He is watching me as I am at my wits end with my children, both screaming(or the occasion where all three of us are crying). I know He is cheering me on to do the best I can.I also know He is with my husband as he is out saving the lives of this city, seeing things that I myself could not handle.
  My life is crazy and chaotic all while being organized at the same time. my organized-chaos that God has blessed me with. Some times I reflect back, and I may...just for a split second, wish that I could go back. but then I hear my son giggle and see my other son smile, or my husband tell me he loves me and I wouldn't trade this for anything.